This is 30
Picture it! It's 2019, and I'm getting out of bed to startmy day. I did my usual stretch and leg shake and proceeded to lift myself out of my bed then BOOM, I sprained my wrist 😒.
I had been lifting myself out of bed the same way since a kid, and never have I ever sprained my wrist. Obviously, it was some freak accident, so I didn't worry about it. I wasn't going to let this ruin my first free Saturday in weeks. When I say free I mean, FREE, you hear me?!
✔️ Clothes washed
✔️ Meal prep done
✔️ Food in fridge
✔️ House clean
✔️ Bills paid
It's safe to say, I had this adulting thing down! I attempted to go downstairs, the same way I've been going down my stairs for YEARS and then BOOM...my right knee buckled. It was all she wrote. I started falling in slow motion down my stairs. I started calling on Jesus. I asked someone for help, but I live alone. I tried to grip the rail to stop my fall, and it had the audacity to come out of the wall and start falling with me 😩. Where is the loyalty? Had I known this was going to be life at 30, I would have lived more.
I spent so much of my life being anxious and fearing what people would think, I didn't do the things I really wanted to do. In fact, I've always had severe anxiety, but that's a blog for another day. I had dreams of being an actor and not just any actor, a soap opera star. I could cry in an instant, probably from years of actually crying and being depressed 😔. I had so much material to think about to draw that emotion out of me. I would act out made up scenes in the bathroom while looking at myself in the mirror, but not just for one character, I did it for all the characters. It was a one-woman show.
I wanted to be a singer. I couldn't wait until after school when I was home alone to put in my Mariah Carey CD and hit every high note, singing at the top of my lungs. I'm not going to say I was successful, but what I am going to say is that I did it. Let's be clear, I could sing, but I could only sing on my note. Don't ask to harmonize, this is a solo act.
I wanted to run for a class office, but I was too afraid I wasn't popular enough to get the votes. I stopped myself before I even started. I had so many great ideas that I wanted to talk about and implement, but I was too afraid of rejection. There's nothing more embarrassing than only get 5 votes out of the 500 in my graduating class, so I didn't even bother.
I wanted to join the track team in high school, but I let what a few people said to me stop me in my tracks, literally. I was always known as the fast girl growing up. My dad would turn that into a different meaning, but again, that's a story for another day 😑. I couldn't wait for recess in elementary school, so I could race everyone on the playground. I hardly ever lost. In fact, I took my talents to the middle school track team. I know what you're thinking.
No, not really. Although I could beat the kids on the other team, I could never beat the kids on my own team 😩. I always placed 4th. The one time I placed 3rd was because one of my teammates was sick. Either way, the same people I raced in middle school had to go to high school, so I had a chance. Unfortunately, I let people tell me I wouldn't do well. Fast-forward, I never joined my high school track team. Now, I'm just 30 and slow. My fast-twitch muscles left me years ago!
I don't want to bore you with all the things I wanted to do and didn't. Just know, it's a long list. Looking back on my childhood, I wish I could have seen how special I was. I wish I knew my value then like I do now. I wish I wouldn't have let what others said lower my self-esteem. Years of anxiety debilitated me, and now I wish I just would have lived.
You may think I'm being overly dramatic, but I want you to learn from my mistakes. Do what makes you happy. Do what you love. Do whatever your heart desires, because one day you're going to look back and wish you had. Always be confident in who you are!
I believe in you 💋
- Bri Lynette